What needs to be said, but isn't.

I am an enthusiastic, naturally exuberant and optimistic person.I am also a mother…. to two sets of twins… under the age of 6.  I am not ashamed to say there are times when motherhood can feel relentless and confusing. I have experienced this more so since becoming a stay at home mother.  The question I dread most now is “ and what do YOU do? “  We are conditioned and pressured to believe that choosing to sacrifice ourselves to raise our children is the best choice for the child and held in the highest regard.  Yet it’s not.  It is no way a source of money, power, or status in society or even within the family.  So if we as women/individuals choose to return to work after having a baby, we are viewed as unmotherly and proceed under raised eyebrows and judgement.We are encouraged as Shari Thurer said to “ maximize our potential, but are called selfish for doing so. “ If we choose to stay at home, giving up the ability to use our talents and strengths to serve others outside the home, we almost cease to exist to the rest of the world.  That’s the choice I made.  It is only recently that I realized how devalued I felt as a result of that choice. Realizing it felt heavy, uncomfortable and hard to sit in. But I did….  And here is where the light broke through the trees for me. 

IT’S OK. The intensity of the emotion, having the emotion, saying it out loud, thinking it, sitting in it. It’s all ok.  While I desperately want to do the right thing for my child I also want to do the right thing for me as an individual, separate from my children.  To be challenged,  serve the world, provide value and use my unique talents in only a way that I can. As I believe many other mothers do. I don’t believe this conveys a betrayal or a loss of love or appreciation for my children. I believe instead it  highlights the ways in which I believe I can be an even better mother in terms of presence, happiness and joy. In fulfilling myself I am teaching them how to value themselves and who they are. 

  We can be who we choose, feel how we choose and live how we choose. I choose me. I choose motherhood.  I choose to LIVE.  What about you?