What do I do now?
Those were the words running through my head when this started back in college for me as a 20 year basketball player who discovered a rather large bald spot front and center above my forehead one day. I did what any freaked out person would do.... I tried to hide it. With hats, beanies, anything. I finally saw a dermatologist who gave me some topical rogaine and sweet sassy molassy my hair grew back! Problem solved. Fast forward almost 20 years later to my second set of twins, hormones raging and my hair is thick, curly and sprouting from my head faster than a chia pet.
Then over the course of 2016 it slowly started to fall out. First a little patch above my ear. No big deal. A headband can hide that.
Then the entire underside of my ponytail, right above my neck. Ok, now I need a bit bigger headband. Still not too worried.
Then the bald patches started to grow up the side of my head and chunks started falling out from the top. Ok, you have my attention now. I spent both money and time pursuing answers, opinions, tests, treatments, and healing from a variety of both traditional and non traditional sources.
Nothing helped, and it was getting past the point of being able to hide it. I started wearing scarves, beanies, hats AT ALL TIMES. My husband was concerned. My parents were freaking out. I was at the end of the options I felt comfortable pursuing.
And then it came to me... what if I just shaved it? What if I DECIDED what was going to happen next instead of WAITING to see what was going to happen?
The first things that went through my mind when I thought of shaving my head were "holy shit, people are going to see more of my face!" Funny right? Not so funny to someone who was teased all through high school for having a very roman Barbara Streisand-ish looking nose. The 15 year old mean girl voice in me started to chitter chatter and I could feel myself getting nervous, running through scenarios of people staring, laughing and pointing. That didn't happen.
What did happen was the 38 year old WISE, WARRIOR woman in me decided to step in and speak up.
Here's what she said;
That face has laughed, cried, and kissed boo boos of crying children. It's shown excitement, encouragement and enthusiasm through broken bones, broken hearts, back surgery, and 2 sets of twins. It is the mirror that reminds you of who you really are and what others see and welcome into their hearts, and lives. It has a lifetime of challenges FACED and overcome and this one will be just another stepping stone.
That empowered me. That uplifted me. Those words rang in my head as I shaved it, children watching and it fell softly to the floor, along with every outdated belief, mean word and doubt I ever had about myself as a person and a woman.